A Prayer For My Soldier

Did we remember everything? Did I ask all the questions that needed answering? Did I ask too many questions about where he's going and what he's going to be doing? Did I remember to have him show me all the "what to do in case of ____"? Did I ask him to help with too many things around the house this week? Did I tell him enough times that we'll be just fine, that I can handle things?

I guess we're as ready as we're going to be. In a little more than 24 hours my husband is leaving to join his unit. I think we'll get to see him before he leaves the country but I can't be sure of that. So tomorrow we are going to have a great day. We're taking the kids to the French Lick indoor water park and creating some wonderful memories for them with their dad before he has to say goodbye.

I found this poem online and it pretty much says what's in my heart right now.

A Prayer For My Soldier

I saw the woman crying as the plane flew out of sight,
She was trying hard to hide it, but it was her soldier's flight.
She knew that she would miss him and sadly hung her head,
Regretting all the little things that she had left unsaid.

As he's flying off into the night, while here she has to stay,
She remembers all the little things that she would like to say.
The things that seemed important are now just memories,
As her soldier has to leave her, she falls upon her knees.

"Dear God, I know you're listening, and that you're always near,
So with this prayer I'm asking you to help me with my fear.
I knew that he was leaving, but the time, it came to soon.
Now I'm asking you to keep him safe, protect him and his platoon.

"Let him feel my kisses each night before he sleeps,
And with each dawn's awakening, let him know my heart he keeps.
I ask, Dear Lord, that you will bring him safely back to me.
Amen." she said, and then arose from her bended knee.

He was off to do his duty, and she to wait back here,
But in their hearts forever they will hold each other dear.
Yes, this woman's heart is breaking, but some things he'll never see,
Except that she is proud of him for keeping her country free.

Proud To Be An Army Wife

I am an Army wife and a civilian mom. My husband is an electrical engineer and a Special Forces soldier. The other day as I was turning on the first episode to the new season of Army Wives one of the girls said “Hey mom that show should be about you!”. Well, not exactly. Most of the time I don't feel like an Army wife. At least not the ones portrayed on that show. (which my husband says is just a soap opera.) I've never lived on an Army base. I've never had to uproot my family and move from station to station. I've been lucky to live near family and lead a normal life like everyone else...most of the time. But I never for a moment forget what it means to be the wife of a soldier. I have to be prepared for anything. I keep one eye on what is happening in the world and I taught myself a long time ago that there is no reason to worry until the phone rings...while hoping it never does.

The first time I experienced the phone call was 1995. Mike and I were just dating. One night in December of that year we were watching a news story about National Guard call-ups to help with what I now know was Operation Joint Endeavor. I off-handedly asked Mike if he would ever have to go do anything like that and he said he doubted that would happen. Two weeks later he was gone. He came back in August of 1996. That year was Army wife boot camp for me. I asked a lot of questions and quickly learned what I was getting myself into by dating a soldier. Obviously it didn't scare me off. By the following year we were married.

The next phone call came less than 6 years later in the Fall of 2001. Tuesday, September 11 began like many other days. I was taking care of our four daughters and trying to coordinate schedules with the movers. Mike was already living in Jasper and had started his new job the day before. I sent him a quick email with the dates that the movers would be arriving to pack the house and he sent me a short reply that went something like this: “That sounds fine but I may be gone by then, turn on the TV”. The world as we knew it had just changed forever. Three months later after we got moved and settled, he was indeed gone. I didn't know anyone in Jasper. My girls were 20 months, 3 yrs, 4 yrs and my oldest was 15, mad at us for moving her away from her friends but eager to learn to drive. It was challenging to say the least. I used to get really irritated at all the people who would say to me “I don't know how you do it. I could never deal with it” Well, I didn't have much choice. My kids needed me to be strong. If I fell apart then who would take care of them? Mike was gone until August 2002. Looking back I can only give credit to God for giving me the strength to get through that year. Although at the time, I was not asking him for help. It didn't even occur to me to pray or go to church like so many others were doing during such a difficult time. And yet there he was taking care of me anyway.

Here we are 8 years later and once again it's time to say goodbye. We've known about this deployment since last year. The date has been pushed back a few times but we knew it was coming eventually. I'm not sure it makes it any easier to know about it so far in advance. After going through a 1 day notice in 1995, a few months notice in 2001 and almost a year notice this time, it really feels the same. Our family dynamics are a bit different. The first time we were not yet married. The second time we had a house full of preschoolers and a teenager. And now we have 3 pre-teens and a crazy busy schedule. But every single time the one thing that never changes is that our family becomes splintered. Nothing is the same when Mike is gone. We miss him so much and time seems to drag by. The days ahead seem endless and my heart aches just thinking about it.

The past 6 months while Mike has been doing pre-deployment work in Louisville I've tried not to think too much about him going overseas. It's been enough of an adjustment having him gone 4 days a week. The weeks he's been gone for longer trainings haven't been easy either. But as hard as it is now, I know in the back of my mind the tough days are yet to come. The girls and I will settle into a routine. We'll go on with all of our activities. Birthdays and holidays will come around and we'll celebrate like we normally do. We'll pack care packages and write letters (probably emails). We'll send lots of pictures and share every detail of what we are doing back here at home. But it's the unknown that is the hard part. There is much he won't be able to share with us. We may not get to know the exact date they leave the country. There won't be a big farewell. The nature of what he does makes that impossible. We usually have IM or email contact but even that is not for sure. It could be weeks once he leaves before we hear from him. Those are the hardest days of all...the days without any contact and not knowing exactly where he is or if he's ok. We may get an occasional phone call and we'll be thrilled to hear his voice. And we will never for one minute forget that he is in a combat zone. His job normally keeps him in a safe area but thats only a little comfort. It's still a war and there are people there who would be happy to kill him if given the chance.

Today Mike forwarded an email to me with the official activation orders for his unit. He'll be home tomorrow for a couple weeks leave and then report for his mobilization. No surprise...I just now have it in writing. I know the time will go by too fast. There is a lot to do to prepare for him leaving. He'll pack up his life here and get ready to move away. It's hard to explain how that feels. He's mentally preparing for military mode and I'm left not really knowing what to say or how to act and usually asking the wrong questions and trying not to cry. And as hard as it is for me to say goodbye and settle into our routine here at home, I never forget how hard it must be for Mike. He has to leave everything behind. He'll miss all that goes on in his absence. As much as we will try to keep him up on what is going on at home, it never makes up for him not being here. He won't get this year back. The girls will age another year, move up a grade level and reach new milestones while he's gone. And for the first time since we've been together, he won't be here for Christmas. But I'm not thinking about that right now.

We will get through this. I now have many friends here in Jasper and family close-by to help with anything we might need. I know all I have to do is pick up the phone and someone will be here in an instant. But best of all I have God to lean on. This time I will pray. This time I will ask him to help me through the difficult days and thank him for all the blessings in my life, especially for the honor of being an Army Wife to an awesome American Soldier.

God Bless all those who are fighting for our country.

Good Friday - The Passion

I just finished watching The Passion of The Christ for the first time. I wasn't sure whether I could get through it but I was fairly prepared for what I was going to see. I can't really say that I enjoyed it. Who could possibly enjoy a graphically visual re-enactment of Our Lord's tortuous last hours on earth. It's hard to explain but I just felt like I was watching a miracle. As horrible as it was, it all happened for me, for all of us.

It's funny how God works and gives us just what we need, when we need it. I had not been to confession at all this Lent, missing all of the extra services and regular scheduled Reconciliation opportunities. To be honest I procrastinated because I really don't like to go. So I prayed about it and promised myself I would go on Divine Mercy Sunday next week. I wasn't aware that there would be any more opportunities at my Parish this week. It was not advertised. So much to my surprise, Father announced at the conclusion of the Passion service this afternoon that there would be opportunities for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I immediately went over and was second in line thanking God for giving me this wonderful gift even if I didn't think I wanted it. I believe perhaps the Holy Spirit was still with me while I was watching the Passion movie helping me to appreciate all that our Lord endured for our salvation. Grace is an amazing thing.

Something interesting from the movie caught my attention. They filmed the crucifixion on a bright sunny day. How could something so tragic have happened on a day such as that? Ironically, today was one of those kind of days here in Southern Indiana. The sun shone brightly all day. It was a very warm Spring day and I spent most of it running errands. I was very aware all day of what a solemn day this is for Christians and yet I also noticed every flowering tree and shrub, lawns getting greener every day and all the early Spring flowers in full bloom. I saw gorgeous flowers of white, pink, purple, and yellow. All the colors you think of in Spring. And among all that beauty there are still brown lawns and bare trees, not quite ready, not quite woken up from their winter sleep.

I told my girls on the way home from picking them up from school all that I had noticed today. I told them that Good Friday can be a sad day but we know the rest of the story. Just like the the beauty of Spring appearing all around us, there is hope just around the corner on Easter Sunday. Jesus will rise again. The trees will sprout leaves, the lawns will grow faster than we want them to and many more brighter days are ahead. Today is a day to remember and know that there is always hope.

The Triduum begins

"For I received from the Lord what I also handed on to you, that the Lord Jesus, on the night he was handed over, took bread, and, after he had given thanks, broke it and said, "This is my body that is for you. Do this in remembrance of me." In the same way also the cup, after supper, saying. "This is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me." 1 Cor 11:23-25

Tonight commemorates the Institution of the Holy Eucharist and the Sacrament of Ordination at the Last Supper. Holy Thursday also celebrates the agony of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, and the betrayal of Jesus by Judas Iscariot, events that took place on the night before Jesus' crucifixion. Like Paul in his letter to the Corinthians quoted above, the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke all use the same phrase to describe the Last Supper on Holy Thursday. Jesus took the bread, blessed it, broke it and gave it to his disciples and said "This is my Body". These sacred words must be taken literally. Christ repeated over and over again "Eat My flesh and drink My Blood". The Mass or Eucharist is a true sacrifice and a representation in an unbloody manner of the sacrifice of Christ.

As we remember what happened this night more than 2000 years ago, we also must stop and give thanks for our Holy Priests. As Pope John Paul the Great said “There can be no Eucharist without the priesthood, just as there can be no priesthood without the Eucharist” Now, more than any other time in history, our Priests need our daily prayers.

Blindsided

When I began to delve deaper into my faith, I was very eager to learn everything I could about this wonderful Church which was handed to us by Jesus himself. How amazing is that? And the more I learned, the more I fell head over heels in love. I was blind for so long and now my eyes and ears were opened to the truth. I have been truly blessed to have so many good and faithful Catholic friends who have taught me, led me and helped me in so many ways.

As I am beginning to learn what the Church teaches on faith and morals, I'm finding out that not everyone who is Catholic is interested in following what the church teaches. I'm not really too surprised to learn that there are Cafeteria Catholics. I understand the influences of liberalism, modernism and secular society among other things. But it's really kind of interesting to realize that many Catholics wouldn't dream of stealing or committing civil crimes. They are afraid of going to jail. But those same people don't hesitate to commit mortal sin and the punishment for that is far worse.

Even after realizing that many Catholics aren't as faithful to the Church as they should be, I was not prepared for what I was about to learn next. I was shocked when I learned that many of our clergy; our priests, deacons and even bishops; our nuns, Catholic teachers, seminary and Catholic university professors, are not following all that the Church teaches. This seems like a no-brainer to me. Of anyone in the entire church, our leaders, our shephards should shine with reverance to Holy Mother Church. There should be no question that they would follow the Magisterium, the Catechism, Canon Law, the GIRM, The Rubrics, Rome. And why aren't they made to behave? When I was a child, I obeyed my mother or I was punished. I didn't always like the rules but they were her rules and I had no choice.

I remember the first time I heard dissent with my own ears. I was completely blindsided. Did I really hear what I think I just heard? I went home and I cried. I asked God to please help me understand. I didn't know what to do. For the first time I wondered if I was learning too much. Do I really want to know all that the Church teaches? I was afraid that knowing what I did would destroy the love I have for my Faith. Time has passed and I've unfortunately witnessed, heard and read about way more dissention in our Church than I ever imagined. It no longer shocks me but it continues to sadden me. But I am standing strong in my Faith. I'm staying the course. I'm not about to become discouraged. This is so incredibly difficult. I know that God is revealing all of this to me for a reason. Maybe someday I will understand. For now all I can do is continue to pray.

Obedience

Four years ago when my husband began RCIA classes, I knew I needed to go with him. I had been away from church a long time. It didn't take long for me to become hooked on learning everything I could about the Catholic Faith. I was amazed at what I didn't know and I fell head over heels in love with this One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church. I began to crave all things Catholic. I spent a lot of time looking things up online and reading everything I could get my hands on.

As my eyes were opened to what the Church teaches and expects, it became clear that I had to make an important choice. The more I learned, the more I realized that many Catholics do not follow all of what the church teaches. They pick and choose what Doctrines and Dogmas they want to follow and disregard the rest. I knew that I couldn't possibly be that kind of person. That was the life I was leaving behind. I was always a good person, believed in God and lived the Golden Rule. I knew what the Ten Commandments were but I only followed the ones I wanted. I was living according to my own moral compass and not God's.

But now things were changing. I was coming back to my Faith. I was committed to teaching my children about God and raising them as good Catholics. My husband was joining the Catholic church. If I was going to do this, I wasn't going to do it half-way. It was time for me to trust God. Nobody ever said it would be easy. I began to understand that being obedient to the church was not optional. Even if I disagree with something or don't understand it, I must follow ALL that the church commands on Faith and Morals.

Obedience is a Moral Virtue. A Moral Virtue is "A good habit of the will whose immediate object is one of the means by which our final destiny is attained". (Modern Catholic Dictionary by John A. Hardon, S.J.). This is KEY for me and the basis of which brought me back to my faith. I had to ask myself an important question. Where is it that I hope to "end up" some day? Or by the definition above, where would I like my final destiny to be? Of course the only answer is Heaven. And after I understood where I wanted to go, I had to ask myself how I was going to get there. It was crystal clear to me that the Catholic Church would lead me to Heaven through the Grace of Jesus Christ. All I had to do was listen. All I had to do was obey. It isn't for me to decide what is right and wrong. God has already given that to me. God also gave me free will, but not to disobey him. In order to truly Love God with all my heart and all my mind and all my soul, I must without hesitation surrender my free will to Him who created me.

"Then he (Moses) took the book of the covenant, and read it in the hearing of the people; and they said, "All that the LORD has spoken we will do, and we will be obedient." Ex 24:7

"Do you not know that if you yield yourselves to any one as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed," Rom 6:16-17

"And being found in human form he humbled himself and became obedient unto death, even death on a cross." Phil 2:8

"Although he was a Son, he learned obedience through what he suffered;" Heb 5:8

"As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance." 1Pet 1:14

Blinded by Ignorance

Several years ago, after living most of our lives not going to any church, my husband and I decided that maybe we were missing something. So we embarked on the journey of picking a church to join. One of my children had been asking about going to church and I figured it would be good for all of them to learn about God since I hadn't been teaching them anything myself. Besides it would be good for us to start going to church as a family. I really didn't think it mattered which church I picked. I wanted to make an informed, educated search and naturally Google was the best place to start. Right? I don't remember exactly what I typed in the search box but it was something like “how to decide which church to attend” or “compare church denominations”...something like that.

After wading through websites with comparison charts, I finally stumbled onto an online quiz that was supposed to determine what denomination would best fit me based upon my beliefs and values. It never occurred to me to question who wrote the quiz or how they determined the results. I was simply impressed that someone went to the trouble to write it and I figured it couldn't hurt. I didn't understand many of the questions, so sometimes I just picked an answer that sounded right. Many of them involved values that I hadn't even thought about before, so I picked what I thought I should believe. The one thing I never thought about when I was answering those questions was what God expected of me. Nor did I think about the impact my beliefs had on others. I knew I was a good person and I knew I believed in God, but when I was taking that quiz I was only looking at how my beliefs and values effected me and my family.

I was living in a secular world and made decisions with a secular mind. I knew right from wrong and didn't break any laws. I was always willing to help others and never judged anyone for how they lived their life. I honestly thought my value system was good enough. In fact I was probably just a bit proud that even though I had quit attending Mass regularly as a teenager, I still turned out OK. I didn't need to go to church to be a good person. Or so I thought. The truth was, I wasn't being completely honest with myself. I knew what I was supposed to strive for when it came to morals, but I didn't think it was possible to achieve it. Nobody could be perfect. And besides, I wasn't hurting anyone. That counted for something right? Did anyone really wait to have sex until marriage any more? When was the last time anyone was actually shocked when two people moved in together? It's almost expected. And although I would never even consider abortion for myself who was I to judge someone else for making that choice? After all, it's legal. I thought I was a "good person" when in fact I was living a life that was anything but good.

The results of the quiz I took varied depending on the way I answered the questions. I would go back and select different answers to the questions that I didn't really understand anyway and different denominations would come up. Sometimes it would say Methodist, sometimes Lutheran and sometimes Baptist. But I don't remember it ever telling me that I should be (or continue to be) Catholic. I thought this was pretty compelling evidence that I had been born and raised into the wrong religion. This online quiz, with no basis of authority, was telling me I needed to be anything but Catholic. Looking back at it now, how could I have been so blind to believe an online quiz?

The truth is I was blinded by years of sin. I had turned my back on God and thought I didn't need him. I was influenced by society and held captive by Satan. I based my value system on my love for others, not God. I remember many times I would hear someone rattle off their list of who and what was most important in their lives; 1. God 2. Family 3. Career. And I really didn't understand how they could say that. Most of the time I figured they were either just saying it to make themselves look good or else they were just misguided. How could they put anyone or anything above their family? Aren't my children supposed to come before everyone? Shouldn't I love them above even my husband? I truly thought that was what God would want. It was beyond my comprehension that He would ask me to put Himself before my family. I know now that my confusion and mistaken priorities were due to a lack of being educated on Faith. I couldn't live what I didn't know. I didn't know the Bible. I didn't know the Catholic Faith. I didn't know how my decisions effected others. I didn't know God.

Sometimes it makes me sad to look back at how I lived my life for over 30 years and that I couldn't see what was right in front of me the entire time. God was right there waiting for me. He missed me, he loved me and he wanted me to come home. But I was too proud, too stubborn to admit that I needed him as much as he needed me. At the Easter Vigil Mass in 2007, my husband was received into the Catholic Church, my 3 youngest children were baptised and our secular marriage was blessed by the Church. There is much more to the story of my faith journey beginning with why I started searching to begin with and ending with my complete and loving surrender to the Catholic Church and all her teachings on faith and morals that I live by today. I will tell that story another day.

Prayer for today's Saint of the Day: Saint Polycarp, sometimes Christ seems so far away from us. Centuries have passed since he and the apostles walked the earth. Help us to see that he is close to us always and that we can keep him near by imitating his life as you did. Amen